ouch

I just got all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled out about an hour ago. Haha it was weird cause when I woke up, I saw the doctor put his equipment away and clean up, and I was thinking, "Wait, that was it?" My mouth felt like there were a million things in there. Ahh! I'm scared to open my mouth and see what's left of it.
When I left with my dad, I was feeling a little dizzy. So that's what being drunk must feel like! I was swaying side to side a bit, wondering what just happened during the surgery. Oh! But I vaguely do remember waking up a little as the doctor was stitching up my gums or whatever. I could feel the string going through--or at least something passing through my gum.
And now the pain is coming, slowly. I think I'm supposed to change the gauze for a newer one, but like I said, I don't want to know how messed up my mouth looks now!
I don't even feel like eating. Or moving. I just wanna sleep. But I don't feel sick, just tired and sore, like my mouth went under some intensive workout.
Oww! Man, the bottom 2 wisdom teeth are a real killer!

DEAR GOD.

WHY AM I SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME? THO', ON THE OUTSIDE, I'M EMOTIONLESS. THIS SUCKS! MAN, LIFE HITS ME SO HARD.

I'M FINDING FAULT IN EVERY PERSON THAT I'M LIVING WITH.

I'LL BEGIN WITH MY DAD FIRST. BABA, WTHECK! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER SAY THIS, BUT YOU'RE SOME JERK. I THOUGHT I COULD TELL YOU ALL MY SECRETS, I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! BUT THE RESULT OF THAT IS YOU GONE TO MAMA, SPILLING OUT MY PERSONAL CARES AND IDEAS TO HER. NOW YOU GOTTA GO OFF TO EVERYBODY TELLING THINGS TO YOUR CO-WORKERS ABOUT ME, STUFF I DON'T WANT NOBODY KNOWING! THERE'S NO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN US, I'LL BE SURE OF THAT. THANKS A LOT, LIAR.

MY MOM. MAMA--I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S APPROPRIATE OF ME CALLING YOU THAT! SOMETIMES, NO, OFTEN TIMES, I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE I'M FIT TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER. I CAN'T EVEN BE YOUR FRIEND! ALL THOSE TIMES WHEN WE'RE HAPPY TOGETHER--WAS I THE ONE PLAYING PRETEND?? I'VE SEEN YOU, THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU WATCH ME EAT. I SWEAR I CAN SEE THOSE CREASES ON YOUR FACE GROWING LONGER AND DEEPER, AND I'M SCARED FOR YOU MAMA. YOU CURSED US, SAYING THAT WHAT WE HAVE IS A BROKEN FAMILY. BUT DON'T WORRY MAMA, I'LL KEEP MY PROMISE. I WON'T VISIT YOU AFTER I MOVE OUT, YOU WON'T EVER HAVE TO SEE MY SORRY FACE AGAIN!
AND I DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUR FORGIVENESS, NONE OF THEM'S HONEST ANYWAY. THROW YOUR HATE AT ME, I'LL TAKE 'EM ALL! but at the end of the day, i'll still worry for you and make sure you're okay.

okay mei-mei. yuh ready? WTHECK ARE YOU!? SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU! ARE YOU THIS BITCH WHO LOVES TO IMPRESS ALL YOUR FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL AND FROM THESE INTERNET GAMES? WHERE'S ALL THE EFFORT FOR YOUR BIG SIS? MAN, WE USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS, YENNO? I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU. I DEFENDED YOU, PROTECTED YOU, F-CKIN' SPOILED YOU. I HARDLY GOT ANYTHING IN RETURN, BUT I WANTED TO MAINTAIN THAT SISTERHOOD NEVERTHELESS. YOU BETRAYED ME, B-TCH. YOU TURNED ON ME! YOU GONE ON MYSPACE AND WHATEVER, PRETENDING TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE YOU'RE NOT, POSTING PICTURES OF SOMEBODY ELSE EVEN THO' YOU LABEL THEM AS OF YOU. "AWW, YOU'RE SO PRETTY," THEY SAY. "MELLIE, YOU'RE SO CUTE!" FUCK THAT, YOU UGLY AS HELL! I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU AND NOT FIND MYSELF FILLED WITH DETEST. MAN, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED ME. ALL YOU NEED ARE MY MATERIAL POSSESSIONS. YEH, THANKS FOR STEALING. BUT WHATEVER 'CAUSE YOU KNOW KARMA'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.


wait. what am i complaining about? there's a whole population of the destitute and the deprived with nothing compared to what i have. i'm not depressed, listen. but i do regret about everything that i am, and everything that i'm NOT doing for those people who are in dire need.

Lord, I ask for your forgiveness.
I am seriously
so
lost.

bums

At the moment, my dad's outside gardening, my mom and sister are downstairs watching T.V. [Taking Lives], and I'm upstairs... blogging. Well actually I was drawing, but then I thought about putting down some thoughts that I have been keeping bottled up in myself for so long.

Mama would say, "Why do you always stay cooped up in your room?"
"Go outside once in a while!"
"It's not good for you stay in there all the time!"
"At least Mei-Mei [your sister] comes out to watch some T.V."
HONEY PLZ. First of all, there are many, many things I can do in my room. I have a T.V. in my room--I don't see why I can't watch some movies in my room. Plus, I can enjoy many of my hobbies in my room, as I've got my doodle notebook, pens and paint and colors, MUSIC, comics [I'm not a dork! The comics were actually bought in Hong Kong and Taiwan, and I'm just keeping up with my Chinese language skills], magazines, weights for exercise, stuffed animals, and so much more. It's such a hassle to bring things from my room downstairs constantly, and having to put them away later on and getting more stuff. I guess I have short attention span--no, I just get bored of things quick, and I jump into other things. But I would always come back to unfinished work or whatever. Am I making sense?
And when I do go outside, mama assumes that I'm working my butt off, running around and exerting a lot of energy. In her terms, that means burning a lot of calories. So when I come back home after my "adventure" right outside of my house [but still in the neighborhood!], whether it's lunch or dinner, she'd feed me a whole lot of pasta and meat. Or, she'd keep bugging me to drink milk, have some yogurt, eat cheese. You might think that I don't enjoy eating. Truth is, food wouldn't seem all that interesting anymore if you knew that food was a consequence for every activity you do. Except sitting in your room.

Can you guess why mama is so paranoid about my health and calories? If not, keep reading my posts. I think you'll learn why soon enough!

Mei-mei cannot compare to me. Even though I'm older than her by 4 years, I still think that I retain my childhood a lot more than she does. I still like the old-school ways, if that's what you call going out to actually PLAY and making arts and crafts and watching cartoons; and not go shopping for hair products and different-colored hoop earrings. She's only 14, and she already belongs to a community of 13-20 year olds on the Internet who just chat and flirt. And exchange phone numbers [muahah yes, I have eavesdropped on her!]. The only time she does come out of her room is when her Internet is turned off [baba controls Internet usage]. Then she'd watch T.V., her preferences America's Next Top Model, Hannah Montana, Rob and Big, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody reruns, High School Musical, ... reruns ...

I still play this one memory in my head occassionally.
It was just earlier this summer when mama got really mad at me. It partly had to do with the fights between mei-mei and I. And I got so furious. "I know you like mei-mei more than me!"
Do you wanna know how she answered back?
"SO WHAT."

Oh and nevermind about my question about the comment link. I got it (=

2nd Post! is anybody reading this?

Guess what [actually, you'd never actually know would you]! I'm getting ALL FOUR of my wisdom teeth pulled out on Tuesday! That gives me less than 3 full days left of solid food. I must admit, I am a little excited to begin this new diet of liquids and ice cream, haha (= Just think how jealous my sister [of 15 years] would be during meal times. In fact, I've already made a list of foods during those 3 days of pain:

JELL-O
Smoothies
Ice Cream
Yogurt
Sherbet
Applesauce
V8 Juice
Chicken Soup
Tomato Soup
Lentil Soup
Mushroom Soup
[a lot of soup]
Progresso Noodle Soup
Slim-Fast
Odwalla Protein drinks
Cottage Cheese... eew

Sounds exciting, right? I will miss my veggies though. YES i DO love eating vegetables. And I've never enjoyed cheese.

Sad thing is, my mom is worried of severe weight loss so she's force-feeding me a lot of calories for the time being. I'll explain why later.

By the way, anybody know how I can add a link for comments? I'm new here, okay? ._.

first time

so... i guess this would be my first blog.

actually i was inspired by the novel Anonymous Lawyer by Jeremy Blachman. i wonder if i would stick with this, or give it up after a week! well, i just wanna give this a try.

it's weird cause, i feel like im talking to myself.